An Open Letter to my Future Self

Dear Future Lina,

I get it. You had an unsuccessful event, or an unsuccessful class, or zero luck in sales for over a month and now you’re wondering if it’s time to dust off the LinkedIn profile in order to help pay the bills. You’re wondering why you don’t just get a “real job.” You’re wondering where you went wrong.

First of all, you’re not a “bum” so stop calling yourself that. Lazy people don’t run their own businesses. You’re just an artist who hit her wan in the natural order of things.

Right now I’m in the wax moment of this natural order. My creativity is sky high, and classes have never been better. I just sold FOUR PAINTINGS at the solo show in Columbia and I’m excited to see if any more sell in the coming weeks. Two weeks from now you will be at the St. Louis Art in the Park, something that, two years ago, was a far-fetched dream written down in your journal. And from this weekend until November, you are booked solid with events.

I’m not telling you this to rub it in your face. I’m telling you this to prove that you are successful. A bad event or a small pause in sales does not equal failure. It’s normal. Part of being an artist is recognizing that.

I can almost hear your thoughts right now as you enter this five-hundredth existential crisis. You’re wondering if you should just switch over to photography full time or go back to illustration because “back when you did that everyone seemed to like it.” I’m here to tell you NO. You’ve gone through this cycle a billion times and you always wind up right where I am today: back doing scribbles and teaching intuitive art and re-normalizing the website from the discombobulated mess we made when we decided to go ahead and try those different paths.

Those paths have dead ends. They aren’t your career path. They are passions of yours, sure, and very fun at times. But that doesn’t mean you have to monetize them. Why can’t they just be passions? Because you’re good at them? You’re good at gluten-free baking, too, is it time to open your own bakery? No?

This is not the time to be making any rash decisions. It’s actually the time to take a break.

Take a week or two (or longer) to do things that are completely unrelated to art. Take the dog on hikes, play video games with the kiddo, go for a jog. TURN OFF THE PODCASTS and DELETE PINTEREST until you get back into your groove. Get back into learning French on Duolingo. Take naps. Find a new show to binge-watch. Clean. Your. House. Anything to get you out of your own head.

Most of all I want you to remember your why.

Today my mindset is this: I want the world to know more about the power of scribbling and what it can do for your mental health. I want to create art that touches others souls and gives them something to ponder over for years as it hangs on their wall. I want my work to hang in a museum and promote the joy of going back to that childlike mentality of process over product. I want to inspire others to know more about themselves, to meditate with a crayon, to keep their own wordless diary.

And right now your bio at your solo show says the following: I’m a big advocate for the whole “l’art pour l’art” mentality, or “art for art’s sake.” Creating art simply for the process of creating it, to enjoy the feel of the pen or brush or Apple pencil, brings forth a different kind of honesty I’m not able to express with words. Intuitive art has given me the opportunity to learn more about myself and where I fit in with the rest of the world. For me, each piece comes down to one question: what am I feeling right now? I ask this question to determine what medium to use, what colors, even what music to listen to while I work. This can lead to a variety of different pieces, each of them a window into my deepest identity.

I hope you will take these words into account and take my (your own) advice. You’d be doing yourself, and your art, a disservice if you don’t. Don’t forget the Tao philosophy, the yin-yang, that the night will soon turn to day, the ocean wave will gush back, that the roots will curl into a sprout. Find the lesson(s) in your current Yin phase so that you’ll be stronger when you get back to the Yang.

This is merely the belly of the whale, and the character always emerges from that, and always emerges evolved.

Sincerely,

Past Lina

Find Your Anchor

There was a quote I heard several years ago on a podcast. I no longer remember the podcast or the host name/interviewee name (nor can I find it online—sorry) but the quote was “Paint what makes your heart hurt.”

Immediately after hearing the phrase I went to Pinterest to make a board of things that make my heart hurt. Rainy days, clothes on a windy line, quiet candlelight, crunchy autumn leaves…

But I realize today that those moments of heart-hurting are fleeting. I’m like a helium balloon, floating from one moment to the next, never able to hold onto certain emotions for long. I need something to anchor me down to that feeling, keep me immersed in the water for a bit, so to speak.

Stop Making New Year’s Resolutions

If you’re like me, or literally anyone else on the planet, you’ve probably made a New Year’s Resolution at some point in your life. But I’m here to tell you that the generic “I’m gonna lose some weight” resolution is no more than a recipe for a binge-eating cake session in less than a week.

Thing is, the person you were on December 31st is the exact same person who wakes up in your bed on January 1st. We have to stop kidding ourselves into believing that we are brand-new (insert your pronouns here). Because we aren’t. The diet may have started, but the person you are still loves cake, and you’ve already been invited to two birthday parties in January.

So what are you to do? Just give up and eat the cake?

I mean, if it were me, I’d eat the cake.

But if losing weight were a really important goal for me, for health reasons and for the sheer fact that I no longer have any pants that fit me, I would focus less on the generic “lose weight, diet, exercise” mentality and focus more on forming a habit that will lead up to my goal. Like, maybe I could form a habit of doing 20 minutes of yoga each morning, or maybe I could form a habit of logging into my fitness pal every day after lunch. The goal then becomes less about losing weight, and more about establishing the routine that will eventually lead up to the weight loss.

Photo by Valeria Ushakova on Pexels.com

Forming habits is not easy, and you’re going to have a few days in January where you either forget or say “today’s not the day” but once that habit is established you won’t be able to do anything else at 10am besides roll out the yoga mat. In fact, your day will be weird without that action, and you might even find yourself doing it later in the day so you can achieve some normalcy.

So, stop giving yourself these generic New Year’s Resolutions. Instead decide what it is you are trying to improve upon, and then think of the habits you can form in order to achieve this goal.

But Lina, you say, isn’t deciding to form a habit kind of like a resolution? Sort of! But it’s less “I will” or “I will not” and more “these are the habits I’d like to establish in the coming months.”

Instead of “I will do better in school,” form a habit of studying for an hour each day at 5pm.

Instead of “I will be more optimistic,” create a habit of writing in a gratitude journal every night before bed.”

Instead of “I will stop smoking,” form a habit of repeating a mantra each time the craving kicks in, or form a habit of going to a therapist each week to learn some great methods to fight the urge.

Photo by ROCKETMANN TEAM on Pexels.com

Having some trouble forming that habit? Try a habit tracker. You can find them in planners, journals, and there are dozens of phone apps with habit trackers as well. Make it fun. Treat yourself when you get to 10 days, 50 days, 100 days, etc.

One final bit of advice…avoid trying to change something that relies on external forces. For instance, “getting more followers” or “making more sales.” Goals like these are a slippery slope that will most likely leave you feeling resentful. You can definitely form few habits that may lead to more followers/sales/etc., but these habits are not a sure thing and on the off chance that you just so happen to make these goals at the beginning of a year like 2020, well that just uproots the whole plan.

Your goals should be something that you yourself can change, without relying on outside sources or the public or your audience. Goals like these, achieved by establishing a daily habit, are going to be the most successful, and leaving you feeling the most fulfilled.

Until next time, may your New Year be exciting and full of endless possibilities.

Step Away from the Canvas

Or, in my case, step away from the hot press.

I’ve heard a lot of people in the creative field discuss the importance of taking a break. They stress it, over and over, in podcasts and blogs, and yet I still see the unfortunate effects of burnout on social media, in my friends, and even in my own home.

Burnout is a very real thing that doesn’t just affect those working creatively. It can also affect those in the medical field, parents, and basically anyone who has a heartbeat. Chances are you have experienced burnout at some point in your life.

A few signs you’re experiencing burnout:

• You’re more tired than usual (for no discernable reason)
• You’ve lost interest in your career/hobby/pursuit
• You have zero motivation
• A negative outlook on things
• Feeling like you have no purpose or sense of self

If you’re dealing with any of these things, my first suggestion is to check in with your doctor to see if there isn’t something medically going on first. Then, if it’s determined you’re physically healthy, see if he/she would suggest medication and/or therapy. Both can be extremely beneficial in overcoming burnout and getting you back to feeling normal.

Burnout is nasty. During the 2020 pandemic, before the vaccine, when hospitals were overflowing with Covid cases and running out of ventilators, tons of medical professionals left their careers entirely because they just couldn’t take it anymore. The American Medical Association reported that nearly half of the 20,000+ surveyed medical professionals reported symptoms of burnout in 2020.

Burnout can cause college dropouts and end dream-come-true careers. I myself have experienced burnout so severe that I’ve quit entire hobbies.

What’s interesting about burnout is a lot of the time it can be prevented. I’m not saying we could have prevented the pandemic and saved those doctors/nurses from all that mental anguish, but I am saying that most of us, especially those of us working in the creative field, can prevent burnout if we just do one simple thing.

Step away.

I’ve seen people on my Twitter feed dealing with such awful burnout that they wound up quitting the thing they loved doing the most. Many times I tried to give them the seemingly simple solution of taking a break. But this suggestion, as it usually does, fell on deaf ears.

What is it about the world we live in that makes us feel like we have to work ourselves to death? When did we learn that every hobby or non-work pursuit has to wind up being monetary or it just becomes a waste of time? It’s taken me years to break out of this mindset and I still find myself going back to it every so often. Even now, I still feel like the entire day was wasted if I didn’t do anything that’s been deemed “productive.” But the great thing about today and last year is that today I take the day off anyway. Just so I can see that the world doesn’t end.

I think it’s tricky for us working in creative careers because we seldom have a steady flow of income. We sometimes have to work 7 days a week just to get paid the same amount as we would in one day if we had a simple 9-5. So we work and work and work and when we see no monetary gain (i.e. no sales) we work even more.

The same is true for creative hobbies, only instead of a monetary reward we look for likes and shares. And the more likes/shares you get, the more you want next time. I’ve seen posts get hundreds of likes (more than I’ve ever gotten) and the artist upset because they felt nobody liked their work and so it wasn’t any good. Not only did this person seriously need to take a break, but they also needed to reassess their definitions of value and success.

What is your definition of value? What is your definition of success? Is it time for you to redefine those terms for yourself?

Don’t be afraid to take a break. Even for one day. Find something that has nothing to do with your career/hobby/pursuit and make it part of your daily wind-down. Set a specific time to leave the desk and go through with it. Make it a habit. Hand the kiddos off to dad or grandma for a while and go take a long bath.

Give yourself time to miss what you do, to remember why you wanted it so bad in the first place.

For me, currently, my non-artistic hobby is jigsaw puzzles. I’ll turn on some House or Supernatural and pull out a big 300+ piece puzzle and put it together on the coffee table. This is a great way for me to step away from the phone/tablet, the painting tools, and my to-do list. Outta sight outta mind.

A bonus is when it draws in Goo and the husband and we all wind up putting a puzzle together as a family.

If you’re finding that you’re all work and no play, it may be time for you to take that break. Don’t wait until you start to feel the burnout coming on. Prevent it by leaving the canvas every day at 3pm. Prevent it by getting a good night’s sleep instead of working until dawn. Prevent it by taking care of yourself.

If it helps, treat the break as another way to reach your goals(s). Sometimes the very reason we can’t figure out the direction of a piece is because we’ve been looking at it too long. Use that as your excuse to finally go on that hike. You’ll be surprised by how much clearer you are when you return.

“Do you have the patience to wait 
Till your mud settles and the water is clear?
Can you remain unmoving
Till the right action arises by itself?”

Lao Tzu

New Podcast: Eccentric Chai

Hi everyone!

I’ve done something super crazy, that I’ve been prepping myself for some time now (and somehow keeping it a secret): I’ve started a podcast!

I’ve had the idea to create a “sister project” for the blog in the form of a podcast since maybe November/December of last year. I gave it a go in January or so, but since the blog didn’t have much substance yet I had to give it a bit longer before I had any material to work from.

But finally, a few months in, episode one has finally launched! In the episode I talk about The Wordless Diary: what it is, how it can be beneficial to your mental health, and how you can start one of your own.

I’d love it if you would go take a listen. The podcast is available on Spotify, Apple Podcasts, and more: click here to listen.

Be on the lookout every Friday for a new episode. Episode #2 will drop this Friday at around 10am.

Until next time, may your diaries be wordless and your days be enlightening.

The Wordless Diary: How to Get Started

If you follow me on social media you might have seen me talking about my “Wordless Diary” from time to time. This is an important tool in both my creative practice and my personal well-being. The works I deem to be wordless diary entries are essential in helping me loosen up, in quieting that logical left brain, and in helping me through whatever it is I’m mentally going through at that time. I’m a big believer in this practice, and so I wanted to come on here and give you a break down of what it is and how you can get started with your own Wordless Diary practice.

What is a Wordless Diary?

Most of you know what a diary is. It’s a book/journal in which you write down your thoughts and experiences and just take a quiet moment to reflect on all the goings-on happening in your life. The Wordless Diary is the same thing, only instead of writing, you draw. It’s a collection of doodles/drawings/scribbles that you made during this moment of reflection. I say collection because the Wordless Diary doesn’t have to be in one sketchbook. It can be in many, and on many different substrates, and created with a variety of mediums.

What are the Benefits of a Wordless Diary?

One of my favorite times to work in my Wordless Diary is when my mind is feeling super cluttered. Sometimes there is just so much going on in the world and in my own life and so many things to do that my brain is nothing but white noise. This is usually when I would start a Wordless Diary entry. By the time I’m finished with that particular doodle, my brain is much clearer and I know what my next step(s) are in terms of getting things accomplished.

Another benefit is the same as keeping a regular diary/journal. It helps you reflect and understand your feelings about what is happening in your life and in the world. What’s interesting is you may not even know what the particular scribbles mean until you’re finished. When done right, it can be an eerie experience.

Finally, for those of you who love to work intuitively, this is a great exercise to start with before working on a larger piece, as it loosens you up and quiets that part of your brain that’s always trying to figure out where the piece is going, what you’re trying to say, when it will be done, whether it is a true “composition” and so on.

How do you Get Started?

There are a few ways you can make an entry in your Wordless Diary. But the initial prep is pretty much the same. Still, throughout this prep process I want you to repeat the mantra: keep it simple.

1. Find a quiet place: This is important, as you won’t want any distractions while working on your entry.
2. Choose your sound: For me I like to listen to quiet music. Others may want to hear white noise like ocean sounds or rain falling. Then there are those who want complete silence. Whichever one gets you the most Zen is where you should start. Keep it simple.
3. Choose your tool: We’re starting with one thing here. Your tool. Do you want to work with a pen? A pencil? Can your brain handle a brush right now? Or are you just wanting to work with something you can scribble with? Keep it simple.
4. Choose your substrate: It’s best to work with your go-to. Do you have a sketchbook you like using? Or do you still have a few sheets of cold press? Or are you the kind of person who just likes using good ol’ fashioned copy paper? Keep it simple.
5. Choose your color: Are you feeling red right now? Or purple? Those of you using pens or pencils already have this one covered. Keep it simple.

A note on multimedia and The Wordless Diary: You may see all of your glorious colored pencils and pastels and want to try that new watercolor palette box you spent 80$ on, but this is not the time for an abundance of supplies. Try to keep a minimal amount of tools/mediums within arm’s reach. Those of you using paint or a colored medium like colored pencils or pastels, start with that one color. You’ll know in your heart when it’s time to change. But don’t keep all your colors next to you. Instead choose three at the most to keep nearby in case you get sick of one color. Again, as I’ve said above, keep it simple and work with your go-tos.

The First Stroke is the Hardest

I know that white sheet of paper is super intimidating, but it’s important first to remember that this isn’t a work of art that will be hanging in a museum. It’s not even a work that you have to show anyone. You can screw up as much as you want on this paper and then you can do whatever you like once it’s done. Toss it in the fireplace. Who cares?

Still, I understand what it’s like to have that mental barrier. So here are a few methods I use when that wall is put up and there’s no knocking it down.

The Thread Method

Take whatever your tool is and scribble out a line. Start on one end and work toward another. Don’t draw a straight line, or a wavy line that doesn’t overlap anywhere. Instead, scribble and dart around and go from wavy to sharp to straight to squares to whatever and make sure your thread overlaps several times. Don’t lift your tool until you’ve gotten to the other side. Now you can work with the different shapes you’ve made. Add patterns or more lines. Make one polka dotted. Whatever your intuition (not your brain) is telling you to do. Just do it.

Close Your Eyes

Close your eyes and take your tool and just do things on the paper until you think you’ve got a good starting point. Then open your eyes and work with what you’ve been given. Bonus points for those of you who don’t even open your eyes, and just work blindfolded until they feel their piece might be finished.

Use your non-dominant hand

This confuses your brain so much that it has no time to ask those questions about what your piece is about or why you’re doing it or where it’s headed or (insert nonsense question here). You can use your non-dominant hand to draw your thread, or some shapes, or you can just continue using your non-dominant hand throughout the entire piece.

Use both of your hands

Get two pens/pencils/brushes/pastels instead of one and tape your paper down. Now scribble with both hands at the same time. Use the shapes/lines you’ve made to work from there.

Start ultra slow

Don’t scribble. Instead move your tool slower than it’s ever moved before. Listen to the sound it makes. Watch the medium bleed onto the page. Return to this pace any time you hear your brain starting to creep in with its input. Go even slower than that.

What Should You Draw?

That’s up to your intuition and your impulses. Stop thinking. Just draw those lines, even if they cross over circles. Meet one blob of paint with another blob of paint. Pay attention to your senses and the color(s) and the sounds and the way your hand feels wrapped around the tool. Think about things that you might write in a journal or diary. Re-live your morning in your mind.

Once you’ve gotten the hang of it, you may start to feel things you haven’t felt in a while or remember things that happened over the weekend that you may have simply brushed off. Let those feelings guide your tool.

A Few Extra Morsels of Advice:

Your intuition will let you know when you’re finished.

Never cover up the things that mattered to you mid-stroke.

All of those lines and colors and shapes are there for a reason.

When you’re finished, take a look at the drawing you’ve made and try to translate it. You can learn a lot about yourself from a few speckles of ink.

If you haven’t already, I suggest checking out Marie-Noëlle Wurm’s classes on Skillshare. She is the one who first helped me understand how to get started on the intuitive journey and I will be forever grateful for her showing me the way.

And, of course, if you have any questions just ask me in the comments below! I promise to be prompt and help you the best I can.

Until next time, may your intuition be strong and your tools be forever within arm’s reach.

When Focus is Lost

I haven’t talked about this much online, but I was diagnosed last year with OS (other specific) ADHD. The diagnosis basically means that I didn’t score low enough on the tests to be officially diagnosed with ADHD, but am struggling with ADHD nonetheless. At the time of the testing, I was on a medication that was “taking the edge off” so to speak, and so I wonder what my testing would look like if I hadn’t been on this med. But at the time I didn’t really care about the lack of officiality of my diagnosis. The med was working. I felt great and had plenty of focus. I could hold a conversation with my husband, and I didn’t have to ask him to repeat himself even though I’d been staring right at him as he’d talked for a full five minutes.

But some time in November 2021, maybe even earlier, I started to notice that I felt sick each day. I was shaky, nauseous, and sweaty. About a week before December I realized it was my heart rate. I had my husband feel my racing pulse so I would know I wasn’t crazy. Then I started wearing my Fitbit simply so I could check it each time I started feeling sick. My heart rate was at around 100bpm when I was in a resting state, which is high for me, and my heart would spike at around 135bpm when I was doing something casual like cleaning up after the kiddos at the After School Art Club. It wasn’t coffee, as I’d been totally averted to caffeine since these symptoms had started, and so there was only one other thing it could be.

Why now? I wondered. I’d been on this medication since April and now all of a sudden I was having these symptoms? In December, my doctor suggested I stop taking the medication and to assess after a few days to see if I felt better. I did, and my heart rate quickly returned to normal.

It took about two weeks to fully start to feel my brain return to the state it had been before the medication. And holy hell does this feel awful. I can’t believe I survived for as long as I did without the medication. How could I have ever put up with this? How could I have ever believed this was a normal way for anyone to feel?

My. Brain. Won’t. Shut. Up.

I’m constantly distracted by–ooh shiny–and I’m back to having my poor husband repeat himself all the time. My conversations have returned to long tangents and confusing interruptions.

And my artwork is starting to suffer as well. I no longer have the focus I did beforehand. I can’t even think straight to sit still for five minutes and paint something. My artwork is all over the place. One day I will be super into abstract landscapes and will decide “officially” that I am now a landscape painter. The next day I will be back scribbling bunnies on my iPad and will decide “officially” that I am now an illustrator. But I can’t get any goals in line for either, which isn’t surprising, since I can’t even think straight enough to remember to do normal adult stuff like start the laundry and pay the bills.

But me…being the me that I am, is trying to find the silver lining in all of this. Perhaps this is just the chaos I need to “level up” in my art. Maybe this lack of focus will give me…erm…focus. Looking through past works depicting times in which I was able to slow down, despite all of the noise in my mind, and take in the present from moment to moment, I’ve found some of my most honest work.

This piece, for instance, was created during a time in which I had been feeling hurried and cluttered. It was a rainy, soggy day–my favorite kind of day–and all I wanted to do was stay home and curl up under fuzzy blankies with my cats and nap, but I had to drive to the post office downtown. Begrudgingly, I got my errand done and then, as I left the post office, time sort of slowed for me. I had jazz going on the radio, warm air coming from the vents, and all of the car lights, city lights, were dazzling on my wet windshield. I can still picture the moment. I remember thinking to myself, “I wouldn’t be witnessing this right now if I’d of stayed at home.”

Later that evening I would sit down for a good scribble on my iPad. I had no image in mind, but this is what ultimately came forward, and I quickly recognized the blobs of color and the city lights. I had subconsciously drawn this moment between me, the city, and the rain.

These four pieces were scribbled out when we had taken in Coco, the stray cat who had shown up on our doorstep, covered in fleas and very sick. I get very stressed out when my routine is thrown off, especially if it throws off the routine in the entire household, and Coco definitely knocked our routines off the rails with meds and feeding tubes and vet bills. My cat, Chai, would never come out. And, with us being each others’ therapy animal, this made it even worse.

In these four works I see things off the rails, chaos, a disrupted home life. But I also see that little gleam of optimism that I can never seem to get rid of. I like to think that these were a subconscious way of telling myself that things will be alright. That eventually the routine would return, and the family would be whole. Larger, but whole. Today Coco is a happy and rambunctious cat who loves to play with fuzz balls and meow incessantly until he receives pets. And our routine is pretty much back to normal.

I’m not sure at this point what the future holds for me and my brain. I know that the one med wasn’t the only one in the world, and my doc and I will be meeting soon to discuss further options. Until then, I suppose you and I will both need to be on the lookout for scribbles that tell stories about moments captured in time.

Until next time, may your brain be calm and your blankies be warm.